


The Modern Pygmalion

by thymelord



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, Infidelity, Love Confessions, M/M, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Robot Sex, Robots, Rough Oral Sex, Rough Sex, Spitroasting, Threesome - M/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-14
Updated: 2020-06-14
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:48:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24708598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thymelord/pseuds/thymelord
Summary: Dirk gives Lil Hal a body. Hal's tired of waiting for Dirk to make a move on Jake, so he decides to do it instead.
Relationships: Auto-Responder | Lil Hal/Jake English, Jake English/Dirk Strider, Jake English/Jane Crocker (mentioned)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 61





	The Modern Pygmalion

**Author's Note:**

> hal's a homewrecker and jake's a slut. that's it, that's the plot.

Dirk Strider created a robotic version of himself for the same reason he does most things: to see if he could.

Lil Hal’s new body glimmers in the high noon sun, one corner of his mouth curving upwards in a smirk that Dirk’s sure has never appeared on his own face.

“So you’re my esteemed creator,” drawls Hal, taking a step towards him. His voice is almost the same as Dirk’s, but with a slight mechanical undertone. He’s already regretting giving Hal such a lifelike, mobile expression; the AI has a strange, sly look on his face that almost makes Dirk think he’s wired something incorrectly. Hal reaches out to touch his cheek, and Dirk shivers slightly. The metal nano-alloy was warmer than normal metal, but cooler than living flesh. “What should I call you? Creator? Master? Father?” Hal’s thumb ghosts across Dirk’s bottom lip. “Daddy?”

He jerks backward. “Just Dirk is fine.”

“If you insist,” smirks Hal. He’s far too close to him, and Dirk can pick out every subtle seam and rivet of his face. He’s a cold silver replica of Dirk, the only difference being the lack of facial hair and his subtly glowing amber eyes, a few shades deeper than Dirk’s own. Hal presses a feather-light kiss to his cheek, so quickly Dirk could almost have imagined it, and then Hal glides from the room with almost preternatural fluidity.

Dirk stares after him, letting out a long breath. _What the fuck have I done?_

~

Jake English is relaxing with a tumbler of scotch when a knock comes at the front door. His forehead creases; Jane isn’t due back for a few hours, and he doesn’t know anyone who’d drop by without shooting him a message first.

He opens the door to find a robotic version of his best friend standing at the door, and thinks he must have drank far more whiskey than he thought he had. He stares at the robot in silence for a moment, then shuts the door.

Or rather, he tries to, only to be thwarted by a metal foot.

“Hello, Jake,” says the android. “I’m Lil Hal.”

“Um,” says Jake.

“Not so loquacious in real life, huh?” He pushes past Jake, sauntering into the living room.

Jake closes the door, following Hal slowly. “Lil Hal? Auto-Responder Lil Hal?”

“That’s right,” says Hal, propping his feet on the coffee table. “Dirk was gonna do a grand reveal, but I thought I’d jump the gun a bit. Come see you myself.”

“Um, right. Any particular reason?”

“Actually, yeah.” Hal rises from the sofa. “Didn’t want Dirk around. He’d just get in the way.”

“Get in the way of – what?” stutters Jake.

Hal advances on him, a predatory gleam in his eyes, and Jake swallows, heat washing over him. “This.” He grabs the front of Jake’s T-shirt, yanking him forward and pressing their lips together.

Jake makes a little gasp of surprise. He doesn’t pull away, but neither does he reciprocate. The very tip of Hal’s tongue flicks into Jake’s mouth, a hand threading through his hair. The other hand drops down to Jake’s hip, pulling him closer. Dirk’s egomanic, god complex tendencies had led him to make Hal’s body as human as possible, complete with genitals. Jake whimpers at the feel of Hal’s arousal pushing into his stomach, his mouth finally moving against his. Hal hitches Jake’s legs around his waist, holding him easily in place.

“Fuck,” whimpers Jake.

“If you insist,” murmurs Hal. He mouths at Jake’s neck, the coolness of his artificial skin strangely enticing, and he shudders, legs tightening around him.

“There are a hundred reasons why this is an awful idea,” says Jake, voice breathy.

“Yeah. And there’s only one reason why we should. But it sure is a damn good reason.” He throws Jake onto the couch, stripping off his clothes and then pulling off Jake’s. His eyes widen as he takes in the erection bobbing against Hal’s stomach.

“Dirk has a bit of an ego, huh?” Jake breathes, his fingertips brushing against him.

“Actually, no,” smirks Hal. “This is a perfect replica of Dirk’s own schlong.”

“Oh,” says Jake, his pupils blown wide. His tongue runs quickly across his lips unconsciously.

“You’re thinking about him, aren’t you?” Hal nips at his neck, and Jake swallows audibly. “Thinking about having both of us, hmm? Bet that’s been one of your pervy little fantasies, huh?”

“Well, it is now.”

Hal chuckles lowly, sucking deeply on Jake’s neck. “So how long have you been nursing this crush on Dirk?”

“A-A while,” whispers Jake.

“Since before you got engaged to Jane?”

“Y-Yeah,” Jake admits.

“So, why?”

“I... never thought Dirk would be interested in me – I mean, _is_ he interested, or –“

“Dude, I’m a carbon copy of Dirk. If I want you, he wants you.”

“I – you don’t _seem_ like a carbon copy of Dirk.”

Hal hums thoughtfully. “There are some differences, I suppose. But I do know Dirk’s dyin’ to jump your bones.” He rocks his hips against Jake, who bites his lip with those unreasonably adorable front teeth. “And so am I.”

Jake’s breath quickens, his hand tracing over Hal’s eerily familiar features. They trail up to stroke Hal’s hair, which is a dark silver a few shades lighter than his skin, and feels a lot like real hair, thick and silk-soft. Hal’s tongue swirls around his nipple, and he flinches slightly at the temperature before he whimpers, erection straining against his jeans.

“You like that?” murmurs Hal, and Jake nods frantically. Suddenly, it feels like there’s ice against his skin, and Jake cries out.

“W-What the cripes did you _do?”_

“One of the perks of being a robot, baby. Temperature control.”

Jake would have never thought ice would be so arousing, but it is; it’s pain and pleasure and tingling numbness and fuck, he needs _more –_ “Dirk,” he moans, and then stills in horror.

Hal’s got a shit-eating grin on his face. “What was that, baby?”

Jake’s blushing furiously. “U-uh...”

“You got it bad for him, huh,” says Hal, his voice taking on a vaguely sing-song quality. Jake bites his lip again, trembling minutely. “It’s okay,” croons Hal. “Don’t be shy.”

Jake opens his mouth to say something, but then all that comes out is a strained gasp as Hal grinds down on his erection hard. Suddenly there comes a barrage of knocks at the front door. Jake bolts upright, only for Hal to pin him back down. “Hal, let me up, what the fu-“ He breaks off as the door bursts open as none other than Dirk Strider comes storming into the front room, only to stop dead as he takes in the scene on the couch.

“What the fuck,” he says, his voice entirely inflectionless.

“Father,” says Hal. “Welcome to the party, pal.”

“D-Dirk,” stutters Jake. “Uh... hi?”

“I guessed Lil Hal would be here. I didn’t quite guess what you’d be doing, though.”

Jake attempts to sit up again, only for Hal to increase pressure on his pelvis, and he lets out a loud, inadvertent moan. Dirk prowls over to them, the same dark look on his face that had been on Hal’s, the same look that Jake hadn’t thought he was capable of. He runs a thumb across Jake’s bottom lip. “If I’d known you were this much of a whore, I’d have fucked you years ago.”

“I’m not a wh- _ah!”_ He gasps as Hal runs his tongue across his collarbone, legs jerking.

“I told ya, Dirk,” says Hal. “You should have just jumped his bones.”

Dirk crouches down so he’s at eye level with Jake, taking off his shades. His marmalade eyes are fierce and intense. “If you’ve been into me all this time, why the fuck did you get engaged to Jane?”

“Well, I-I... I was sure you weren’t interested me, and waiting around was... it was torture. In fact, I was sure you were aromantic and asexual.”

“Why would you think that?”

“Because you never talk about romance or sex, ever –“

“Yeah, I’m a private person.”

“Can you two assholes work out your relationship drama later? I’ve got something that needs tending to.” Hal kisses Jake deeply, pushing his legs upwards and stroking the head of his cock over his entrance. He’s dripping clear fluid, and Jake tilts his head curiously, running his thumb over Hal’s slick glans.

“It’s lube,” says Hal. “One of my many talents.”

Jake shoots Dirk a look. “Did you just give Lil Hal a body so you could, literally, fuck yourself?”

“Of course not,” says Dirk haughtily. “If I was going to build a sexbot, it would look like you.” He winks, his mouth remaining perfectly expressionless.

Hal suddenly pulls Jake to the end of the couch by his legs, flipping him over and pushing him on his hands and knees. Dirk strips off his pants, and a low moan comes from the back of Jake’s throat. He gives a little kitten-lick to the head of Dirk’s cock, and it twitches reflexively. “Hal wasn’t lying,” Jake murmurs. “You really are fucking hung.” He nuzzles at the base of his cock, inhaling the fresh scent of his musk before swallowing it until he hits the back of his throat. Jake sucks at him greedily, and Dirk lets out a sharp cry.

“Fuck, Jake,” he groans. “Never thought you’d be such a cockslut.”

Jake only gives a muffled moan in response. He’s only managed to take two-thirds of him, and he suddenly feels Dirk’s hand on the back of his head, pushing him down. He chokes and attempts to jerk away, but Dirk holds him steady. His eyes widen in shock, and he gives a muffled scream as Hal thrusts into him, causing his body to jerk forward and forcing the last half-inch of Dirk’s cock inside him. Jake sobs, and desire rages through Dirk like a wildfire. He finally lets him go, and Jake gasps for breath, drool dripping down his chin. “Dirk,” he says, voice hoarse. “Hal – _ah –_ I –“ He babbles incoherently and takes Dirk back into his mouth hungrily.

“So good,” moans Dirk. “You’re so good, Jake, fuck –“ He grabs him by the hair and pulls Jake off as he comes, splattering his face with white translucent fluid. Jake’s tongue darts out, licking the cum from his lips. Dirk strokes his hair gently. “You’ve never looked better, baby.”

Jake whines weakly. “Dirk,” he whispers. His elbows give out, and his cheek slumps to the cushion. He holds a hand palm up, looking beseechingly at him. Dirk threads his fingers through his, and Jake smiles. Something warm and glowing flutters in Dirk’s stomach, and he presses a soft kiss to Jake’s mouth. Jake responds immediately, but accidentally bites on Dirk’s lower lip as Hal gives him a particularly hard thrust. Dirk licks the blood from his lip, and Jake’s cock twitches.

“Oh fuck, _Hal!”_ screams Jake as Hal pistons into him furiously. Hal’s thrusts are fast and deep, fucking him harder than any human could. Jake’s fists curl, a tear slipping from the corner of his eye. He’s trembling with pleasure, mouth hanging open, curls bouncing. When Dirk leans in to kiss him again, he comes with a shout, clutching tightly onto the back of Dirk’s neck as if for dear life. Hal lets go of his hips, sliding out of him, and Jake lies prone on the couch, breath trembling.

“You’re mine now,” whispers Dirk against Jake’s ear.

“No,” says Hal, pulling Jake into his arms. “He’s _ours.”_


End file.
